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A Grateful Old Lady

I've spent a lot of time around elderly people lately.  The flexibility of my job allowed me to get my physical therapy sessions in during the morning or early afternoon.  Each time I went I think I was about 35 years younger than my fellow patients.  Early on, some of them could have kicked my butt; but as the months passed I felt compassion towards them knowing their road to recovery was mentally and physically tougher than my own.

My friend Lora always says she can't wait until she is old because old people can say anything they want.  I do think there is a freedom that comes as a person ages.  I see it in the elderly.  Pretense seems pointless.  Perhaps the veil between who we really are and who we present to the world grows thinner with age.

As I watched my elderly peers interact with the physical therapists, it made me start thinking about who I want people to see when my veil grows thin.  My guess is that will be determined more by who I decide to be today than by anything that lies 40 years in the future. 

I want to be one of the ones who walks into the room and draws out tenderness.  I saw that in a few of the elderly people in physical therapy.  There was simply a quality about their presence that revealed a calm, a peace, a joy.  I am guessing that as they walked through the days of their middle age, they faced just as much trial and struggle as the next person.  But something tells me they chose the path of gratefulness.  I'm guessing they spent more time counting their blessings than airing their complaints. 

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays.  A day to be grateful.  What a great concept.  No need to buy presents or decorate.  Just make some good food, gather with people you love, and be grateful.  I hope to live the spirit of this day every day so that one day I will walk into a place and people will see a grateful old lady.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Fender Benders

Had a dream that woke me up this morning.  It seems I was leaving some unknown friend's house in some unknown neighborhood and heading home.  As I drove away it wasn't long until I was completely and utterly lost.  As I turned down random streets and followed curved roads pretty soon I lost all sense of direction and found myself in a neighborhood that became increasingly shady.  In my haste to find my way back to the familiar I began to drive faster and faster tailing the row of cars in front of me.  I felt unsafe.  But in my panic I didn't care. 

And then what I was almost expecting happened.  The cars in front of me were coming to a sudden stop and I couldn't adjust.  I careened right into the back of the car ahead and set off a chain reaction of rear-enders involving 4 or 5 vehicles.  As our cars came to a stop, I felt that sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach.  It's that "I knew I was being reckless...I knew I wasn't being wise...I knew I wasn't at my best...and now I'm going to have to pay for it in a very costly way" feeling.  Taking a moment to collect myself, I put my head down on the steering wheel and prepared to face the consequences.

But when I looked up, I was shocked to find that all the cars in front of me were driving away.  They were damaged, but whether the drivers didn't care or whether they were unwilling to get out of their cars in this unsafe neighborhood, they all drove away.  I even noticed a police car across the street who pulled out and followed suit.  Stunned, I began to inch my car down the road.  My amazement turned to relief.  How in the world did I get out of that one? 

As I woke up I wondered, "Was this a dream about my move to the city?  Why was I lost in a bad neighborhood?  What is the significance of me causing a mass accident?"

But then it hit me just now.  This was simply a dream about grace.

Maybe you are like me.  You have extremely high expectations of yourself.  You are your own worst critic.  You expect yourself to be great at your job every day, give your best at all times, handle every situation maturely, and make every relational decision Jesus would make.  There's just one problem.  You don't.  Not even close.  And some minor or major fender-bender comes along often to remind you of your inadequacies.

Slumped on your steering wheel you look up and suddenly remember there is accident forgiveness.  You feel the relief.  You have just been given permission to be human.

I don't know why we are so hard on ourselves at times.  I would love to learn how to let my fender benders lead me more naturally to grace.

Chasing a New Dream

30 miles down the road from my house is a city I have come to love.  A city rich in culture.  A city with a seemingly perfect blend of natural and man-made landscapes.  A city strong despite a past and present history laced with tragedy and scandal. A city filled with diverse and beautiful people.

I feel alive there.  I feel drawn there.  I love to explore its neighborhoods.

It is also a city where 67% of its 3 million residents are far from God.  And 20% live below the poverty line.  A city where too many school children are dying.  A city still very much divided across racial lines.  A city where a church a week is closing.

I believe God has dreams for this city.  Dreams to unleash its potential.  Dreams to mobilize its resources.  Dreams that result in thousands finding their way back to him.

And I'm ready to join with others in chasing his dreams.

Last spring I wrote a post about a transition I was making out of Children's Ministry towards becoming a Campus Pastor.  This transition is continuing to take shape and I'm excited to let a broader audience know that in the spring of next year I will be moving downtown, into the city of Chicago, to plant a new campus of COMMUNITY Christian Church.

I am 80% excited and 20% freaked out which most of my mentors tell me is exactly where I should be.  Can't wait to share more with all of you as the steps of the journey unfold.

And who knows?  Maybe some of you will end up chasing new dreams in the city with me.

Reflections on Israel: Arbel

I had an amazing experience in June...the opportunity to go on a Christian pilgrimage to Israel.  And here it is November and I've never shared a post about it.  I thought about it many times.  Knew there were thoughts running around in my heart that I wanted to organize through writing.  But I couldn't bring myself to do it.  Not sure why.  But I think I'm ready now.

So on a hot day in early June I found myself beginning this pilgrimage with a panoramic view of the Sea of Galilee from the top of a cliff they call Arbel.  It was a stunning view.  Our guide began to point out small clusters of importance along the shoreline.  "There is the hill where Jesus taught the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7).  Over there is what is known as the Primacy of Peter where Jesus restored Peter after the resurrection (John 21).  And right there is the town of Capernaum where Jesus lived during the early parts of his public ministry (Matthew 4:12-17)." 

I stood on that cliff watching the tour buses wind to points of interest below unable to distinguish the individuality of a human form from this height above.  And suddenly I was struck with a challenging question.

Did I really believe that Jesus came and walked in this place as a man?

It seemed absurd.  Foolish even.  To think that the God of the universe would come to this place...to this world...and limit himself to a form that couldn't even be distinguished from the height of a cliff.  Suddenly I wondered why I believed...if I believed.  I think you are confronted with the humanity of Jesus as you stand on that ground in a way you can never really grasp as you read about him in the pages of a book. 

I turned to one of my fellow pilgrims and shared the thoughts wrestling in my mind.  He said, "Yeah, I think a trip like this has as much potential to wreck your faith as enhance it."

I knew his words were true.  Yet even though I couldn't feel it in the moment, I knew I believed.  I believe he came.  I believe he walked among us.  I had a hard time grasping the reality of it as I walked through his town and stuck my toes in his lake.  But I knew I believed what I could not understand. 

I think faith might mean believing what you know to be true even when you have a hard time believing it.

Facebook, The Mob, and The Holy Land

In just a few days I will board a plane for the experience of a lifetime.  Last fall I was invited to join a Pastoral Pilgrimage to Israel.  An incredibly generous foundation provides an opportunity each year for 20 pastor-types to take a trip to the Holy Land to see the setting of the greatest events in history as well as experience a time of rest and renewal.  Our leader told us the plan for each day is "to do something, to do anything, and to do nothing."  Each morning we will meet for breakfast and then head out to tour a Biblical site.  Around lunch we will return to the hotel and we are free to do whatever we want for the rest of the afternoon...see more stuff, relax by the pool, meet local people, nap.  In the evening we meet for dinner and communion and call it a day.  The first week we will lodge at a beautiful hotel a few paces from the Sea of Galilee.  The second week we'll stay in a Catholic retreat center in the heart of the Old City of Jersualem.  I still can't believe I'm getting to do this.

As part of the experience, they strongly encouraged us to "unplug" as much as possible.  At first the thought of this freaked me out.  As time went on I began to crave it.  So I've made the decision to leave my laptop at home.  Mostly I am feeling the need to step away from e-mail and Facebook.  My plan right now is to ignore both the entire time I am there.  I admit I am still taking my Blackberry...might send out a Twitter each day just to say hello and let you know what I'm doing.  But I plan to leave it at the hotel as we venture out each day.  If so moved, I might find an internet cafe to blog out some thoughts and perceptions a time or two.  But compared to my normal internet addiction, I will be stepping away.  I'm going to try to breathe for a while in an unconnected world.

I do think a couple people on the trip who volunteered to be "trip photographers" might be uploading some photos to a trip blog while we are there.  If you are interested: www.2009pilgrimage.blogspot.com.

So what does the Mob have to do with all of this?  Last night I was busy searching Amazon.com and loading some electronic books onto my Kindle for the trip.  Lately I have been so interested in reading about Chicago's twisted history so I found a great book to take along called: "Chicago Assassin: The Life and Legend of 'Machine Gun' Jack McBurn and the Chicago Beer War of the Roaring Twenties."  I happened to be e-mailing a friend of mine at the time (see...internet addiction) and happened to mention my book selection.  She wrote, "Of course you are choosing to read a book about gun slinging blood and gore as you visit the birthplace of Jesus Christ.  Of course you are."  OK, it didn't seem so strange until she said that.  But oh well, guess that's just who I am. 

So I am taking the mob, leaving Facebook behind, and heading off to the Holy Land on Sunday.  Grace and peace to all of you.

A Chance to Die

Had a great discussion in my small group last night about what it means to follow Jesus.  When we are honest, I think sometimes we'll find that our response to the Gospel is so much more about our desire for a better life than a commitment to give our lives in service to God for the sake of others.  Don't get me wrong, I think our lives do and should benefit from following Jesus; but is that really the heart of what it means to be his disciple?

Recently I heard Craig Groeschel, Pastor of Lifechurch, describe 3 lines of commitment. 

• Line 1: I believe in the Gospel enough to benefit from it.
• Line 2: I believe in the Gospel enough to contribute comfortably to it.
• Line 3: I believe in the Gospel enough to give my life to it.

I wonder, which line have you crossed?  Which have I?  And is anything less than the 3rd line really following Jesus?

Jesus called the crowds to him and said, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will save it." (Mark 8:34-35)

I've been reading a book called Crazy Love by Francis Chan and in it he writes: "When I was in high school, I seriously considered joining the Marines; this was when they first came out with commercials for "the few, the proud, the Marines."  What turned me off was that in those advertisements, everyone was always running.  Always.  And I hate running.  But you know what? I didn't bother to ask if they would modify the rules for me so I could run less, and maybe also do fewer push-ups.  That would've been pointless and stupid, and I knew it.  Everyone knows that if you sign up for the Marines, you have to do whatever they tell you.  They own you.  Somehow this realization does not cross over to our thinking about the Christian life.  Jesus didn't say that if you wanted to follow Him you could do it in a lukewarm manner.  He said, "Take up your cross and follow me."

In the words of one of my heroes of the faith, Amy Carmichael, Jesus comes to us and offers us "a chance to die."  A chance to die to our selfishness and limited perspective.  A chance to walk away from pursuing lesser things and a life of worrying about the unimportant.  A chance to no longer be dominated by our insecurities and hesitations.  A chance to take our eyes off ourselves and turn our attention to people and a world that needs our contribution.  A chance to carry crosses, cry tears, and sometimes work to the point of exhaustion.  A chance to let go of our life...and in the process find it.

And my guess is when we do find it, we will discover it is the life we have always wanted.

Used

"If you want to be of use to God, maintain the proper relationship with Jesus Christ by staying focused on him, and he will make use of you every minute you live--yet you will be unaware, on the conscious level of your life, that you are being used of him."  -Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

Came across this quote today in a book I'm reading (Mad Church Disease by Anne Jackson).  I love it.  It sums up so much of what I feel God has taught me over the years.  That if we want to be a difference maker, if we want to be used, our greatest efforts should be on cultivating our relationship with Jesus.

Sure our own talents, efforts, abilities, and plans can do some good.  A lot of good.  But I believe these things have limitations in their impact when they are separated from a life of discipleship.  When the starting point is a heart that is closely connected and ruthlessly pursuing God; these talents, efforts, abilities, and plans take on an effectiveness that is undefinable but clearly recognizable.  And like Chambers said, I suspect the one being used is often quite unaware of his or her impact.

I had a tremendous opportunity this past week to share similar thoughts to these at Willow Creek's Conspire Conference.  Here's a picture of me teaching on their stage (very fun!).  They invited me to give the talk at the closing main session and I got to share from my heart that the greatest thing I believe we can give to those who are serving is a heart that is closely connected to God. 

There is a strange thing about speaking to a room of about 1500 people.  You really have no idea what is happening in their hearts and minds as you talk.  But my prayer leading up to the conference was that I would be able to do my best for God and that he in turn would do whatever he wanted with the words.  I am satisfied feeling like I gave it my best.  But I also secretly hope that God was able to use it to do things I'll never know about.  I hope I am practicing what I preach.  Because I really do want to be used of him.

Celebration Generosity

This weekend we are having our second annual "Celebration Generosity" weekend at Community.  The plan is to give away our entire weekend's offering to 4 worthy causes.  Last year this amount totaled over $250K.  I can't wait to see what happens this year...and how lives will change in the Philippines, Uganda, East Aurora, and churches all over the United States because of it.

Generosity is such a compelling force.  Perhaps it is even more powerful during difficult economic times.  It's not just about the gifts given; it's about the attitude...the action.

Sometimes generosity is seen in what is not taken.

As part of our "Celebration Generosity" weekend, we sponsored 4 dinners so that people could come and learn more about the causes we'll be supporting.  Last week we discovered that we didn't have a plan for childcare at one of those dinners so a few of us scrambled at the last minute to recruit some high school students to help.  We found 8 of them who were willing to watch kids for the 2 hours and offered to pay them $10 a piece.  A bargain on our end, but what high school kid wouldn't want 10 extra bucks in their pocket?

At the end of the night my co-worker went around to pay the students their well-earned wage.  We actually decided to bless them with a little extra and gave each student $15.  They absolutely deserved the money, but it really struck me when my co-worker came back to tell me that one student donated her $15 back.  What a beautiful picture of this student's heart.  She gave of her time.  And then gave of her money.  It made me proud to be a part of a mission and a church that is instilling that kind of generosity in the hearts of the next generation.

I heard somewhere a few months back that the time in our nation's history when the percentage of charitable giving was the highest was during the Great Depression.  For all the struggles we are enduring financially, there is something really beautiful blossoming in the hearts of people.  We always seem to think it would be easier to be generous if we had plenty.  Maybe that's true.  But sometimes I wonder if the attitude and action of generosity actually flow more easily in the lean times.  Sure, the dollar amount may not be as great, but the desire to help one another seems stronger.

And so I am ready to celebrate generosity this weekend and dreaming of what God has in store. 

Steps

It's happening.  A stirring that began about a year ago is starting to have some definable steps.  And I'm finally at a place where I feel I can begin writing about it in public places.

I'm moving towards planting a new campus of Community Christian Church.

Last spring my heart started growing restless.  It was a feeling I'm somewhat familiar with.  Last time I experienced it I was heading into my 6th year as the Associate Campus Minister at Eastern Illinois University.  Then and now, I knew it was God challenging me to a next step.  Maybe I'm just someone that has a 6 year work itch.  I don't know.  But I do know myself well enough to know I need new challenges.  I need to be moving forward.

This journey started with some honest reflection.  What was I most passionate about?  What was I most gifted to do?  I read Marcus Buckingham's Go Put Your Strengths to Work to wrestle through these questions.  And I came out with 3 things I think are my "strengths":

• Helping people take "next steps" in their journey as Christ-followers.
• Leading a team to build something from nothing.  This involves dreaming and casting vision, defining a strategy, and mobilizing people to accomplish goals.
• Opportunities to influence through upfront communication.  Whether that is teaching a crowd or speaking to a group of leaders, I believe God has called me to have a visible voice.

Early on in the process my friend Tim (who also happens to be one of my bosses and my Campus Pastor) said, "You should become a Campus Pastor."  I shrugged that off at first.  I'm not exactly sure why.  Maybe it was because I haven't had a model of a female in this role.  I think it was partly because I do have some fear over the crisis counseling side of being a pastor.  But then this past summer I had an experience that snapped a future into view (more on that in a future post).  And I do believe God is leading me to this new vision.

So this past weekend Tim announced to our leaders at the Yellow Box that I am becoming his Campus Pastor Apprentice.  I will be in this role for at least a year as the steps beyond are explored and defined.  I'm really excited about it.  I can't wait to learn new things and hopefully add something to the leadership of the Yellow Box.

And I can't wait to share more with you about the journey as more of the steps become visible...

103

This is my Aunt Ruth.  My Great Aunt Ruth, actually.  She is turning 103 this week.  It is a sobering thing to realize that if this is in my genes I may have a very, very long way to go.  Maybe I should stop eating so many french fries.